


Baphomet

by EmergentOmens (Janus13)



Series: To The World [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Gen, Kickstarter, Labor Unions, No beta we fall like Crowley, Satanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 19:03:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21002642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janus13/pseuds/EmergentOmens
Summary: Crowley thinks Satanists are a bit boring, until he meets some American ones.





	Baphomet

As he had many times before, Crowley regretted inventing push notifications. He really didn't need the latest hot stock tip or to know that a new Candy Crush challenge was available. They cluttered up his otherwise pristine, minimalist cell phone screen, and sometimes even made noises or vibrations - how horrible. Of course, that had been the point at the time, but the humans took it and ran with it. He turned them off whenever possible, and was convinced that at this point they must be breeding. Aziraphale may even have had the right idea sticking with his ancient rotary phone. 

He absentmindedly swiped them away, but something must have been wrong with his screen because one notification wouldn't go away, just bounced and then settled back at the top of the notification queue. He took a closer look at it. It was from Kickstarter - campaigns that he might be interested in supporting. Crowley did love Kickstarter - so much imagination, but also so much low-level disappointment generated when the thing turned out to be not quite as good as you had hoped based on the video, and you had to take off work to go to the post office and pick it up. Maybe opening it would dismiss the notification. He tapped. 

The link opened on a photo of a wild-haired goat statue with eyes not unlike Crowley's own and the headline "Help The Satanic Temple Erect A Statue Of Baphomet in the Nebraska Statehouse." Well. Kickstarter's algorithm was right, that was interesting. 

The campaign video began to autoplay. "Hi folks!" _Not,_ Crowley noted, _Hail Satan._ "We're the Satanic Temple. You may know us from our campaigns to end corporal punishment in schools and defend against infringement on a woman's right to choose. One of our most effective tactics in protecting the First Amendment's guarantee of freedom of religion is to challenge officially sanctioned displays of Christian propaganda. In 2015, Nebraska put a statue of the Ten Commandments in the State House, so we pursued a legal challenge to allow us to put a statue of Baphomet there too. It has been making its way through the courts, but we just received word that we won. And… usually at this point they back down, and take down the Ten Commandments or whatever, and we don't actually have to install the statue. But these Nebraskans are stubborn. They put out a press statement saying that we can pry the Ten Commandments from their cold dead hands. And so, we're actually going to have to install a statue. It's a very nice statue, meaning it's very expensive. So, here we are on Kickstarter, asking for your support! 

Also, we support Kickstarter employees' efforts to unionize and call on management to voluntarily recognize the union. If they call for a boycott, we will be taking this campaign down, follow @ksr_united on Twitter for updates." 

Crowley's mind was boggled. The Satanists he knew mostly just went through the motions, even the nuns - did just enough to mollify their parents, and then taught their children the same lackadaisical follower mentality. Very little of what they did was at all clever, let alone evil. Cringey not in a dark, impressive way but in an "I'm embarrassed for you" way. These Satanists, however, appeared to be conducting a master class in political trolling. He was impressed. He clicked over to their website to read more. Ah, of course, these Satanists were a schism from the previous Satanists he found so pathetic, distilled to a refreshing clarity of purpose by pointing out all the ways America failed to live up to its ideal of the separation of church and state. Despite being a church, they paid their taxes. They made paying taxes look **punk. **

Several dollars poorer and several black screen printed t-shirts richer, Crowley had an idea. He direct messaged the creator of the Kickstarter campaign. 

_"Baphomet is a chump. Make the statue of me and I'll fund your whole campaign._

_Sincerely, _

_Anthony J. Crowley  
Demon" _

He waited longer than he thought was reasonable for a reply, given that he was offering them $600,000 or so. But it was still not long. 

_"Haha, good one. I'm glad you like our campaign. We quite like Baphomet, though. He's on all our merch. He's kind of our thing. I hope you still support the campaign even if we don't change the statue!_

_Best, _  
Ian  
Lay Leader, The Satanic Temple" 

_"Ian, _

_It's a very generous offer, I'm surprised you're not taking it. Really, you could do so much better than Baphomet. I've read your website. You Satanic Temple blokes are clever and you have a sense of humor. Baphomet is more of a cow than a goat. Incredibly slow to get the joke, very traditional take on torture, never any creativity. You modern Satanists would do much better with a modern demon as your icon. Check out my Insta (@snakes&sunglasses), you'll see I'm way better looking than Baphomet as well. Image is everything these days. _

_Regards, _

_Anthony J. Crowley  
Demon" _

_"Hi Mr. Crowley, _

_I admit I'm impressed with your cosplay, you do look very much like him. And who did you get to do the Angel? I would follow him but you never tagged him. _

_Look, I love trolling Amazon as much as the next guy, but The Satanic Temple actually does respect copywrite law. We literally cannot have a statue of the Demon Crowley, Sir Terry's estate would have our heads. Fundamentally we are a small nonprofit and we already take on a massive amount of legal liability going up against various churches and state governments. I'm sorry but that's the final word on the subject._

_Do drop in if you're ever in Salem! _

_Ian" _

Well, that response made no sense at all. There weren't trolls in the Amazon, just the animal spirits that the locals communed with. Pity, the statue would have been a laugh, and especially a way to remind Beelzebub and the others that he was untouchable and played by his own rules now. He wasn't acting to secure souls for Hell any more, and he had a feeling the Satanic Temple wasn't either - they were just pointing out hypocrisy on the part of the powers-that-be here on Earth. He thought about whether there was anything he could do to translate their methods to Heaven and Hell. He particularly liked the thing about after-school Satanism clubs that taught free-thinking, not that there were schools in Hell or really anyone young. Perhaps a billboard. They did love demotivational signage. He decided to invite Aziraphale to lunch and brainstorm with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Based, obviously, on the real Satanic Temple: https://thesatanictemple.com/
> 
> Take action to support the Kickstarter unionization effort here: https://kickstarterunited.org/action/
> 
> I am [ @emergentomens ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/emergentomens) on tumblr. If organizing is science fiction, then science fiction is also organizing.


End file.
